What it means to be a Warlock
In these dark times of broken spells and talents, some people forget what Warlocks are all about. It’s about being evil, plain and simple. All those weaklings who play hunters and mages and keep whining are nothing but a nuissance on our path to world domination. Have you forgotten who we are?
What exactly are warlocks?
Warlocks (pron. [war-lock] or [omg-gtfo]) were invented in 2003 by Blizzard to make up a new private army to take over the world (of Warcraft), because his incumbent army, the angels, had gone soft. The word Warlock is made up of the English words war meaning “to kill stuff” and lock meaning “no way out”. Therefore, if you are approached by a Warlock, they will kill you and there will be no way out of it.
Origins and history
In the beginning, Blizzard had his army of angels. After some time doing Blizzard’s bidding, the angels became jaded and preferred to spend most of their time lounging around on clouds eating cream cheese and crackers. Blizzard needed more intimidating enforcers. So that he wouldn’t lose face by asking Satan to come back to Heaven, he decided to make a new breed of enforcers. Blizzard originally created five male Warlocks to be generals of his new army of terror. He said to them “Go forth and Multiply and populate all nations with dark minions.” After much experimentation these five went back to Blizzard to ask for some female Succubi to help them reproduce.
After years of toil for Blizzard, the great Warlock Lord Core Scorpius attempted to overthrow Blizzard’s regime. Stemming a drunken dare, Lord Scorpius gathered his minions and challenged Blizzard to a duel. Blizzard explained that since Lord Scorpius had minions fighting for him that it wasn’t technically a duel and it was “way unfair”. Lord Scorpius paid no heed to Blizzard’s protests and proceeded to perform his face-melting spells which left Blizzard with deep scarring and deformalities. Defeated, Blizzard went into hiding and the Warlocks were now free to do whatever they fancied. However, since most Warlocks fancy World Domination, being evil and simply scaring people, they continued doing exactly the same as they did while working for Blizzard.
- Warlocks are typically solitary creatures. Though they are often surrounded by minions, they are not used for companionship. Warlocks choose to have very little to do with their minions except for ordering them to do the Warlock’s bidding. Most Warlocks use demons as their minions, as they are easy to enslave and are readily available from most evangelical churches after their mass exorcism sessions.
- Occasionally, Warlocks will gather for conventions and to discuss their progress on World Domination. These conventions usually result in food and blood stains on the walls, floors and ceilings from sacrifices and food fights. Enemy Warlocks will also take the opportunity to challenge each other to minion battles, often causing irrepairable structual damage to buildings.
- Small groups of Warlocks will also band together to summon a greater power. However, after the ritual, one Warlock will often end up dead.
- Unlike Shadow Priests, Warlocks are not afraid to go out in daylight. The reason they prefer to realize their schemes at night is simply because people get scared more easily when it’s dark.
- Much of a Warlock’s power is derrived from the souls they eat. Therefore, the more souls they eat, the more power they have. The downside is that the body of a Warlock converts unused power into fat. Due to much of the world being evil anyway, many Warlocks have given up on trying to take over the world and hence get fat because they no longer use their powers. Doctors have described Warlock obesity as reaching epidemic proportions and have warned non-practicing Warlocks to cut down on soul eating. These warnings have largely been ignored, due to the fact that souls are really, really tasty (like tender lamb, spit roasted in the fires of Molten Core, covered in rosemary with a touch of mint sauce).
Why be evil?
By embracing the forces of evil you can gain power beyond your wildest dreams. You can crush your enemies in the most ruthless and vile of ways all the while unhindered by such weaknesses as remorse or guilt. By becoming a servant of darkness you can also engage in widespread plans of world domination. You can destroy the world with the method of your choosing and then jump up and down on its corpse. You can tie damsels in distress to railroad tracks and then twirl about in your moustache and black cape. Yes, by choosing evil you can truly walk down the street with pride, and watch small children and gnomes run screaming from your presence. You can also learn great supernatural powers capable of killing at a glance and causing people’s heads to explode. You can summon up terrible armies of demons to send against the town of your choosing.
How to do the Evil Laugh
This is one of the most important skills you will need to learn as an evil-doer. The evil laugh is a defining characteristic of any supervillain, and you will be engaging in it regularly as you gloat over fallen foes exult in your own wickedness. There are many different laughs to choose from, each with varying degrees of derangement.
- Ha Ha Ha
Once you have decided upon a laugh you will want to begin practicing it every day. Learn all the different chortles and inflections, the many ways to pronounce it and shower your audience with spittle. Before long you should be able to perform it with ease, and will be ready to begin your evil career with style.
Good times to use your evil laugh
- When revealing your master plan.
- During a guild bank heist.
- Before shooting your arch-nemesis.
- While standing over the bodies of fallen enemies.
- After your evil scheme has gone off without a hitch.
- When you are instructing your henchmen.
- Before unleashing your weapon of great power.
- Just as the bastards are sneaking up from behind.
- While you are locked inside a mental asylum.
- Anytime at all, really.
What to do as a Warlock
Many evil-doers also enjoy the fine sport of soul accumulation. This objective was originally only practiced by the Devil, but has recently expanded worldwide to a number of forms. The most common is that of a soul contract, in which you are granted ownership of the soul in exchange for their hearts desire. However, since you’re evil you kill them anyway without granting them their wish. Another means is through the practice of the black arts, where you get to perform evil magical rites while wearing fashionable black robes. You can even attempt to trick the victims out of their souls through telemarketing scams and rigged contests. Whichever route you choose, just make sure that a constant supply of souls is being sent to Hell. Your infernal cohorts will undoubtedly be so pleased that they will reward you greatly and grant you your fondest wish. Or was it eternal damnation?
Here are three simple steps how you can take over the world… of Warcraft.
- To begin your plan, you must first seduce a Warrior. This will cause the world to give one another worried looks, horrified by your arrival. Who is this evil madman? Where did they come from? And why does he look so good in T5?
- Next, you must destroy the internet. This will all be done from a damp basement, a mysterious place of unrivaled dark glory. Upon seeing this, the world will flee in terror, as countless hordes of cultists hasten to do your every bidding.
- Finally, you must let loose your secret death ray, bringing about pain, suffering, the usual. Your name shall become synonymous with fear, and no man will ever again dare interrupt your spells. Everyone will bow before your incredible power, and the world will have no choice but to give you control of the planet.